Quit yer crying, give me a call

Below I have copied an interesting email that my husband recently received at work. Tom is constantly inundated with junk email at his workplace, whereas I never have any. Back when we were first dating and he was complaining about the amount of spam he received, I teased him that his firm firewall was really a firecolander.


He didn’t think that was very funny.

I think he secretly likes being able to complain about the massive amount of email he receives on a daily basis because it makes him sound even more important and impressive than he is already, at least in my eyes. Here is an example of a typical exchange at our home over dinner:

Me: "Well, I had an interesting day today. We’ve got this crazy plaintiff who is suing us because he is a Pagan and we wouldn’t let him have Halloween off with pay, not to mention the issue of his costume, which involved spikes, cutout panels and visqueen…"

Tom (interrupting): "That’s nothing! I had 200 emails in my inbox this morning and I’ve only dealt with half of them!"

Me: "Well, honey, isn’t it true most of that is spam, and you just have to delete it?"

Tom: "You just really don’t understand how hard it is to be me."

The subject line of the following email was, quite presumptuously, “stop weeping.” Of course, if it had come to me directly, instead of through Tom, the subject line may not have been all that assumptive (see earlier post re: dark moods, brain chemistry, and amputees). Please be advised I have not done any editing on this material, so assume “sic” all over the damned thing.

DEAR SIR/MADAM.


My Name IS LINDSAY FORD s Am 75yrs old of age, i stay in New York U.S.A. i am a good merchant, i have several industrial companys and good share in various banks in the world. I spend allmy life on investment and coporate business. all the way i lost my husband and two beautiful kids in fatal accident
that occur in november 5th 2003.i am a very greedy woman with all cost i dont know much and care about people, since when i have an experience of my lovleyones i felt weak.i found it difficult to sleep and give rest. later in the year 2004 february i was sent a letter of medical check up, as my personal doctor testify that i have a lung cancer, which can easily take off my life soon.i found it uneasy to survive myself, beacuse a lot of investment cannot be run and manage by me again.

i quickly call up a pastor/prophet to give me positive thinking on this solution, as my adviser.He minister to me to sharemyproperty, wealth,to motherless baby/orphanage homes/people that need money for survivor both student that need money/ business woman and man for their investment for future rising.

Sotherfore i am writing this letter to people who are really need help from me both student incollege, to conatct me urgently. so that i can make available preparation on that. espectcially women of the day, who are divorced by their husband, why they cannot survive the mist of feeding theirself. please contact me to stop weeping.

probably let me know what youreally need the money for, and if you can still help me to distribute money to nearest orhanages homes near your town.now am so much with GOD, am now born again.may the lord bless you, as you reachme, please to remind you,dont belongs to scammers or any act of fraudulent on internet.

THANKS.

LINDSAY FORD

Ok, where do we start? There is just so much good material here that a person such as myself, prone to over-indulgence in just about every area of her life, could go on for pages and pages, thus leaving the blog reader bored and impatient and wondering when I am going to get back on the subjects of weight loss, exercise, and posting fattening recipes. Let’s say we limit our commentary to 8 items, OK?

1. This woman’s name (Lindsay Ford) is decidedly Anglican, yet her command of the English language would suggest that she was either raised in a third-world rural village with no school, or on the planet Pluto. Oh wait, Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. Oh well, you get the drift.

2. She’s supposedly 75 years old, which piques my suspicion on two counts:

a) She lost her husband and “two beautiful kids” in a car accident only 7 years ago, in 2003. When I think of the term “kid,” I think of 18 at the very oldest. That would make her a comparatively very old mama indeed, to almost all of us except for Elizabeth Edwards. Of course, it is possible that her two adult children were tooling around in the car with dad when this terrible fate befell them, but let’s face it: if you are lonely enough to be hanging out with your parents in your 20s or 30s, you are taking your own vehicle, as a rapid escape is often necessitated. 

b) A 75 year old woman using the internet? I think not.

3. If she has several industrial companies and “a good share” in many banks throughout the world, how the hell does she have any money to give away? Shouldn’t she be standing in a soup line somewhere, given recent developments in our economy?

4. Her doctor told her in a letter she has terminal lung cancer? Come on. I don’t find doctors to always be the most tactful people in the world (unlike lawyers, who are filled with grace and charm always) but I doubt any patient in this country, despite our pathetic health care system, would get this information in the mail. I can just see some doc dashing off a note on his way to the golf club through dictation to his secretary: “Um, yeah, Margie, could you please put me down for a twosome on the 12th with Harry Goy and call my wife and tell her I’ll be late for dinner? And oh, could you get a letter to my patient Lindsay Ford and let her know she has terminal lung cancer? Great, see you tomorrow, I’ll be in early, around 10:30.” This is not even to mention that in 2004 email was a very widely-used communication device, and since we all know email is a very personal way to communicate without the possibility of misunderstandings and miscommunications, that would have been the better way to go.

5. This woman lost her husband and two kids in a horrific accident, she has lung cancer, and now she finds it “uneasy” to survive because she can no longer run and manage (and what is the difference between “run” and “manage” anyway) her investments? If I lose everything that means anything to me and I am facing the prospect of a painful and drawn out death, I’m thinking I might be focusing on bigger issues than my investments. To put it rather bluntly, something I almost never do, she doesn’t have to worry about leaving anything to her family. If it were me, I’d be worried about my chances of getting into heaven (which I never believed in until my diagnosis) or who was going to take care of my dog when I died, or how many Kobe steaks I could eat between now and the Big Day, since the calories and fat content no longer matter anyway…

6. She asks her pastor/prophet (these are two totally different concepts! Doesn’t she watch Big Love??) where she should direct her money, and he tells her basically: orphans, people that “need money for survivor” (because these days it can be expensive to get together a really good audition tape for that show), students, and businessmen and women who need money for future rising. Financial Viagra, as it were. This of course would never happen, as any decent pastor, or prophet for that matter, would instantly convert the estate into a secret slush fund for the benefit of the church wine cellar and the settlement of child-abuse cases.

7. She addresses “women of the day” who are divorced by their husbands, which somehow leads to intolerable misty weather conditions and famine. She also assumes these women are weeping, and that contacting her will alleviate their depression to some extent. That begs the question, has Ms. Ford never heard of the term “gay divorcee?” Have you seen some of these women, let loose after years of marriage and on the prowl? I’ve seen them – hell, I’ve been that woman. They ain’t weeping, they creepin’. Fo sho.

8. Towards the end, she seeks assurances that if you choose to respond to take her money, please do not be an internet scammer. Alrighty then. That’s what we in the legal business call “due diligence,” and it is a critical aspect of any large-scale business deal or charity drive.

It's too bad this email is bullshit, because there are a lot of people in Haiti right now who could use some help.  I have sent some money but it doesn't seem like enough, so now I am attempting to adopt a Haitian orphan.  Shhh, don't tell my husband...